Mrs Bradshaw's Handbook (Discworld Novels) Read online

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  Fully illustrated and replete with useful titbits, Mrs Bradshaw’s Handbook offers a view of the Sto Plains like no other.

  Authorized by Mr Lipwig of the Ankh-Morpork & Sto Plains Hygienic Railway himself, Mrs Georgina Bradshaw’s invaluable guide to the destinations and diversions of the railway deserve a place in the luggage of any traveller, or indeed armchair traveller, upon the Disc.

  From the twine walk of Great Slack to the souks of Zemphis: edifying sights along the route

  Ticketing, nostrums and transporting your swamp dragon: essential hints on the practicalities of travel

  Elegant resorts and quaint inns: respectable and sanitary lodgings for all species and heights

  CONTENTS

  COVER

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  TITLE PAGE

  DEDICATION

  FOREWORD

  A LETTER FROM GEORGINA BRADSHAW

  CHAPTER 1

  THE RAILWAY STATION AND THE PRACTICALITIES OF TRAVEL

  CHAPTER 2

  FROM ANKH-MORPORK TO QUIRM ON THE FIERTÉ D’QUIRM

  CHAPTER 3

  DIVERSIONS FROM QUIRM: THE COASTAL ROUTE VIA THE NETHERGLADES AND AN EXCURSION TO THE EFFING FOREST

  CHAPTER 4

  EXPLORING THE STO PLAINS AND THE JOURNEY TO BIG CABBAGE

  CHAPTER 5

  FROM STO LAT TO ZEMPHIS ON THE ALTIPLANO EXPRESS

  CHAPTER 6

  FROM ZEMPHIS TO OHULAN CUTASH AND THE RAMTOPS VIA HUGGLESTONES HALT AND TWOSHIRTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ALSO BY TERRY PRATCHETT

  COPYRIGHT

  Dedicated to the memory of

  Mr Archibald Bradshaw and Mr Ned Simnel,

  early departures at the beginning of this particular journey

  SINCE THE DEMISE of my darling husband Archibald, alas, I have had time on my hands, and so I set myself to travelling on the new railway. I have found the ambience of this mode of travel fascinating – it takes you where you want to go, and its continuing growth is wonderful. Who could dislike the railway? The naysayers told us that the railway would be almost the end of the world, foretelling that cows and sheep near the tracks would kill their young, and other dreadful occurrences. However, it would appear that out in the countryside the sight of a train actually enhances the landscape: watching a great train rounding a curve through woodland is a marvellous thing and it does something for the soul. It is well known that horses beside the railway will try to go faster than the train, with no ill effects, and the smoke passes quickly.

  I have now journeyed hundreds of miles across the great Sto Plains and beyond – after all, one cannot mourn for ever. Wherever I go I gather what I trust will be useful information for the inexperienced traveller and this, together with my own observations, is the subject of this publication.

  Many of our citizens already use the railway for business and commercial travel. My hope is that people may be encouraged to travel for both recreational and educational purposes. For this reason information is included on destinations which would interest the curious traveller as well as the family on holiday. It is certainly true that experiencing the sights and sounds of new lands and meeting new people has been an adventure for me and one that I would like others to share. If I can make a fellow traveller’s journey that bit more comfortable and rewarding then I will have achieved what I set out to do.

  You will also find here information about places of accommodation and refreshment that I have visited, annotated with my personal comments. I hope these will prove helpful, but they are by no means exhaustive, and should travellers wish to update this publication in the light of their own experience they should write to Messrs Goatberger, Brewer Street, Isle of Gods, Ankh-Morpork, the publishers of this volume.

  The directors of the AM&SPHR have afforded me every assistance in my quest and I am pleased to say have even acted on many of my suggestions to improve the well-being and safety of the passenger.

  I look forward to meeting more of those who, like me, are fascinated with this wonder of our age, not least those young men now known humorously as ‘train spotters’, who amaze me with their knowledge of everything about the railway. They are its soul writ large in their little books, and I admire their useful attire. Indeed, I had my dressmaker make me something similar, so I am now an Anorankh myself.

  To all my friends: Good Bashing!*

  * The uninitiated may wish to note that bashing is much like spotting, the difference being that bashing involves actually riding on trains.

  1

  THE RECENTLY COMPLETED New Ankh Station, Ankh-Morpork, is now the city’s principal railway terminus, the point of departure for all trains to the Sto Plains and to Quirm, so it is here that we begin our journey. It is a fine building with a grand façade and a large open entrance hall where a greenish light filters through the great stained-glass windows of the front elevation. Inside is a bustling cacophony of sounds and sights: the blast of the magnificent engines as they discharge great bursts of steam, the whistles of guards, slamming of doors, people shouting, and sometimes livestock bellowing as it is brought to market from the Sto Plains. And then there is the hubbub of itinerant sellers of beverages, food, newspapers and nostrums, and the blare of the loud-hailers announcing train arrivals and departures.

  For the inexperienced traveller this can be a confusing and alarming experience. My advice is to make your way straight to the booking office by the main station entrance; it is clearly signposted. Here you may obtain your ticket and seat reservation as well as information on train departures, fares, platforms and journey times.

  Unlike coach travel (whether by mail or stage), where one has to contend with exposure to the weather, a railway journey now offers enclosed seating for all classes, and sheltered platforms at which to entrain and alight.

  In addition it is possible for the single lady to travel in a ‘Ladies Only’ carriage if she wishes, though I find that more diverting conversation may often be had in a mixed carriage. There are various classes of travel to suit all pockets and needs. Not everyone can afford the luxury of first class; the new second class tariff is quite satisfactory for most people.

  If you are undertaking several journeys or planning to travel on a regular basis it is well worth investing in what Mister Lipwig has called a ‘Mollusc Card’. With one of these in your purse, the world will indeed become your Mollusc as this card entitles the bearer to travel far and wide for a single subscription.

  Passengers with heavy luggage may like to use the services of a station porter (often a troll), who will collect the trunks from your coach or cart and deposit them on the train. (Be aware that trolley buses are not allowed to come as far as the platforms; save yourself the embarrassment of a refusal.) Make sure that any luggage travelling in the van is clearly labelled with your name and destination. This is especially important if you plan to travel as far as Uberwald and beyond where unlabelled trunks are often subject to inspection. It is general practice to give your porter a small gratuity thus providing him with a tax-free addition to his meagre wage. In expectation of this he will not drop your luggage and will assist you to the correct train and carriage. With any luck he will remember you on your return. (He will certainly remember you if your tip fails to come up to his expectations, and, being a modern, get-ahead Ankh-Morpork troll, will have read your labels.)

  As well as the itinerant pedlars of goods there are tea-shops, cafés and bars providing refreshment of all kinds on the station concourse, together with bookshops, haberdashers (though one wonders why any sensible person would leave the purchase of a pair of socks until they are catching
a train), stationers and tobacconists.

  Separate waiting rooms are provided for single ladies, or gentlemen and families. Public conveniences for ladies, gentlemen and dwarfs are well signposted.

  Should you have the misfortune to mislay any item, there is a Lost Property Office run under the auspices of the Guild of Thieves.

  The station boasts a public clacks office and an accurate clock. Members of the goblin community who, I have been told, have a great affinity with all things mechanical, ensure the smooth running of both of these modern devices. Such is the clock’s prominence it has become a recognized place to meet fellow travellers.

  We know that the railway has opened new possibilities for commerce and leisure but there is another body of men who have seen an opportunity to take their mission for saving souls further afield and at a greater pace than ever before. Hence the prominent sign indicating the ‘Assembly Point for the Church of Om Mission’ on the concourse. Young missionaries, their bright clean faces just visible under broad-brimmed hats like black soup dishes, trudge joyfully off, their hearts filled with religious zeal and on their lips one of their church’s interminable tuneless hymns. Like black snails they bear massive backpacks hung with cooking pots, spare sandals and the like, and filled with religious tracts; some are even pulling small harmoniums as they make their way to the train heading hubwards towards dark forests and the dangers that lurk within.

  Devotees of that new pursuit ‘train spotting’ are easily recognized by their all-weather dress and look of somebody trying to see everything at once, especially should ‘everything’ include a new train. I must caution my friends the spotters to take care at all times – some of the light trains travel quietly. For members of the spotting fraternity who would like to get behind the scenes of the railway, tours are available upon application to the station master. I have noticed that these are often very full, since it appears that practically everybody in the world is now a train spotter.

  In the short time I have been travelling I have witnessed a plethora of contraptions aiming to capture the waiting passenger’s dollar spring up on station platforms. They purport to tell you your weight or stamp you out a small metal label with your name on, or even take your iconograph portrait. Enterprises of this kind have greatly increased the numbers of imps in employment, and concerns have been raised in some quarters about their working conditions, including allegations of illegal imp-trafficking organized by gangs with connections to the Breccia. Some machines dispense a somewhat stale-looking confection; however, beware: often you may hear a coin – whether your own or another hopeful traveller’s – clank into the machine’s receptacle but nothing emerges despite all manner of hammering. Perhaps the Thieves’ Guild should conduct an investigation into the status of these devices.

  Once you are on the departure platform you will hear final announcements made by loud-hailer. The instructions are sometimes a little difficult to understand as the natural enthusiasm of the announcers, many of them members of the Guild of Town Criers obliged to change their employment since the advent of the newspapers, encourages them to try to outshout each other. Further confusion is caused when information is being transmitted in both Morporkian and Dwarfish as is sometimes the case.

  PREPARING FOR YOUR JOURNEY

  When you undertake any but the shortest railway journey there is a great deal to be thought about and arrangements to be made before you set out from home for the station.

  DOCUMENTS AND CURRENCY

  This new Railway Age of swift, comfortable, affordable transport has seen a great increase in the number of people travelling to foreign parts. Ankh-Morpork families who, only a year or two ago, would have looked on a journey to Sto Lat as a once-in-a-decade – or even once-in-a-lifetime – experience, now take day trips to Quirmian beaches, and plan rambling holidays in the Ramtops. Border guards across the continent have been overwhelmed by the unprecedented numbers of international visitors, and as a result are now far more likely to demand a valid passport to stamp, as opposed to whatever bit of paper the traveller might have upon their person.

  Before embarking on your journey check carefully what documents are required by the states lying on your chosen route.

  While a passport is not always essential for travel to Quirm it is useful to have by you for identification. People seeking to relocate, retire or buy derelict farmhouses to renovate in Quirm should visit the Quirmian Embassy in Park Lane to complete an application form for a resident’s visa.

  The Ankh-Morpork Foreign Affairs Office will issue a visitor’s visa for entry into Uberwald. Dwarfs visiting the ‘Homeland’ for the first time will need a valid birth certificate from their local or family grag which will enable them to get a travel permit from the Legation of the Low King. Historically there have been few restrictions on troll movements (at least outside the city of Bonk), but due to a recent increase in the smuggling of illegal substances a valid travel permit, obtainable from the Embassy of the Diamond King of Trolls, is now a requirement.

  Foreign currency may be obtained from the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork and the Royal Overseas Bank. The AM dollar is acceptable in Quirm, and, as you would expect, gold is welcome everywhere regardless of whose head appears on it; but travellers to Uberwald will need to take some bizots for smaller transactions.

  A reputable travel agent may be commissioned to obtain all necessary documentation and currency for your journey in addition to booking your rail tickets and making hotel reservations. However, this ‘bundle’ service may not suit the independent-minded traveller; moreover there have been reports of bogus agents, whose financial standing and know-how is, to say the least, dubious, leaving people abandoned in half-built hotels and with no return ticket.

  ARTICLES TO INCLUDE IN YOUR HAND LUGGAGE

  Even though the rail passenger is well protected from the elements it can be cold in winter and it is only sensible to wear warm clothing and take a small rug for added protection. On some far hubward lines a Lancre wool travel blanket is provided by the railway company.

  I have found the following items can add to the enjoyment of the journey.

  ☞ A potpourri of fresh lavender or cologne according to preference; on some rural branch lines you may well find you are sharing your carriage with a farmer taking his goat or pig to market. It is as well to be prepared.

  ☞ A modest bag of peppermints – always refreshing – and a small flask of brandy for emergencies.

  ☞ A vial of eyewash in case of smuts to the eye. (If possible sit with your back to the engine.) A small bottle of solvent is also useful, to remove soot and stains from gloves.

  ☞ A book to read or crossword to employ the mind will pass the time if you travel alone and a small notebook and pencil is indispensable for recording useful facts.

  ☞ A long journey can become quite a convivial occasion, with fellow travellers sharing their stories and experiences. In such congenial circumstances, having a game to hand can add to the enjoyment of all present: consider including in your bag a pack of cards, or one of the admirably compact chess sets now available. ‘Travellers’ Thud’, however, is still too large an item for any but the most committed player to transport.

  REFRESHMENTS ON THE TRAIN

  Long-distance trains include a restaurant car where the traveller can have a hot meal, though this amenity may be restricted to holders of a first class ticket. A buffet carriage will offer beverages and snacks to all, and for passengers travelling in third class or on local trains there will usually be a trolley service. Thankfully the strict regulations of the railway company allow no such gastronomic horror as the un-named meat pie or sausage–in-a-bun offered on the city streets by unlicensed vendors.

  The passenger of limited means may prefer to take advantage of the easily transportable comestibles which may be purchased from approved vendors on the station. Chief among these is a version of the Miner’s Pasty, in origin a sort of pie that could survive a forty-foot drop on to a hard rock. N
ow adapted by the accomplished chef Mr All Jolson for consumption on our railways, this pasty is a substantial meal, containing at one end a named meat and two veg, in the middle a serviette and fork, and at the other end rhubarb and custard. Less extravagant versions are popular with the footplate crew who heat them on a shovel over the fire-box; they remain edible without the use of a chisel, mostly.

  In my journeys I have often witnessed the kindness of travellers who are willing to share their food with a complete stranger. If you do plan to take a picnic it is now the custom to pack extra provisions to distribute to your immediate neighbours in the carriage. It always breaks the ice. On a recent journey to Big Cabbage I was seated next to an elderly gentleman who unpacked from his case several bottles of different patent medicines for digestive disorders. Having dosed himself he tucked a brightly coloured napkin into his collar and proceeded to balance on his knee a fine china tureen in which were assembled a brace of pig’s trotters, half a dozen pickled eggs, pickled onions, pickled plums, a small mountain of pickled red cabbage, a selection of chutneys and several types of mustard. The gentleman who offered this vinegary selection to his neighbours revealed that his lady wife ran her own pickling business and he was a martyr to her stock control system. It seems that any preserve approaching the end of its edible life was put in his packed lunch that he might share it among fellow travellers and thus introduce potential customers to the delights of Mrs Staines’s Tracklements.

  Another interesting meal I encountered was the one I shared with a dwarf who was travelling from Zemphis to Ohulan Cutash. It was kind of him to offer and it would have been churlish of me to refuse his generosity. He produced a small brown paper bag filled with rat pâté sandwiches made using traditional dwarf bread. The dry curling crusts were as hard as iron and just as inedible and the pâté could have done the duty of shoe leather. Even now whenever I come across a badly prepared or indigestible sandwich I compare it in my mind to the railway sandwich I encountered just outside Zemphis.