Turtle Recall: The Discworld Companion ... So Far Read online

  AZRAEL

  Bast, Cat-Headed God of Things Left on the Doorstep or Half-Digested Under the Bed(Djeli) [P]

  BEL-SHAMHAROTH

  Bibulous, God of Wine and Things on Sticks [H, TLH]

  Bilious, O God of Hangovers [H]

  Bin (Djeli) [P]

  BLIND IO

  Bogeyman, the

  Bunu, Goat-Headed God of Goats (Djeli) [P]

  Ceno [FOC]

  Cephnet (Djeli) [P]

  Cephut, God of Cutlery (Djeli) [P]

  Chance [COM]

  Cheerful Fairy, the [H]

  Chefet, Dog-Headed God of Metalwork (Djeli) [P]

  Chondrodite, God of Love (Troll) [MP]

  Cubal, Fire God (Ephebe) [SG]

  Czol (goddess) [MR]

  DEATH

  Destiny [COM, M]

  Dhek (Djeli) [P]

  Disgraces, Three, the (daughters of Blind Io). Nudicia, Pulchritudia, Voluptia [SN]

  Eater of Socks [H]

  Electric Drill Chuck Key Fairy [H]

  EVOLUTION, GOD OF

  FAMINE [LF]

  FATE

  Fedecks, Messenger of the Gods (Ephebe) [SG]

  Fhez, Crocodile-Headed God of the Lower Djel (Djeli) [P]

  Flatulus, God of the Winds (Ephebe) [SG, TLH]

  Fon (Djeli) [P]

  Foorgol, God of Avalanches [SG]

  F’rum [S]

  Gigalith, God of Wisdom (Troll) [MP]

  GLINGLEGLINGLEGLINGLE FAIRY [H]

  Glipzo (goddess) [TLH]

  God of Indigestion [H]

  Grune, God of Unseasonal Fruit [RM]

  Hast (Djeli) [P]

  Hat, Vulture-Headed God of Unexpected Guests (Djeli) [P]

  HERNE THE HUNTED

  Herpentine Triskeles (Djeli) [P]

  Hinki [RM]

  HOKI of the Woods, Hoki the Jokester

  Hotologa Andrews (Genua) [WA]

  Hyperopia, Goddess of Shoes [RM]

  Io (Djeli) [P]

  Jack Frost [H]

  Jeht, Boatman of the Solar Orb (Djeli) [P]

  Jimi, God of Beggars [MAA]

  Juf, Cobra-Headed God of Papyrus (Djeli) [P]

  Ket, Ibis-Headed God of Justice (Djeli) [P]

  Khefin, Two-Faced God of Gateways (Djeli) [P]

  Lady Bon Anna (Genua) [WA]

  Lela, the Volcano Goddess [MR]

  Libertina, Goddess of the Sea, Apple Pie, Certain Types of Ice Cream and Short Lengths of String [TLH]

  LUCK (the Lady)

  Mister Safeway (Genua) [WA]

  Moon Goddess (Druidic) [LF]

  Nept (Djeli) [P]

  Nesh (Djeli) [P]

  Net (Djeli) [P]

  Night [COM]

  Noddi (Nothingfjord) [TSOD1]

  Nuggan, God of Paperclips, Correct Things in the Right Place in Small Desk Stationery Sets and Unnecessary Paperwork (Borogravia) [TLH, MR]

  OFFLER, Crocodile God

  Old Man Trouble [H]

  Olk-Kalath the Soul Sucker [TLH]

  OM

  Ordpor the Tasteless [RM]

  Orexis-Nupt (Djeli) [P]

  Orm, Great [P]

  Patina, Goddess of Wisdom (Ephebe) [SG, TLH]

  Pedestriana (goddess of football) [UA]

  Pestilence [LF]

  Petulia, Goddess of Negotiable Affection (Ephebe) [SG]

  P’tang P’tang, Newt God [SG]

  Ptooie (Djeli) [P]

  Put, Lion-Headed God of Justice (Djeli) [P]

  QUEZOVERCOATL, the Feathered Boa (Tezuman)

  Reg, God of Club Musicians [SM]

  Sandelfon, God of Corridors [RM]

  Sandman, the [H]

  Sarduk, Goddess of Caves (Djeli) [P]

  Scissor Man, the [H]

  Scrab, Pusher of the Ball of the Sun (Djeli) [P]

  Sea Queen, the [SG]

  Sessifet, Goddess of the Afternoon (Djeli) [P, TLH]

  Set (Djeli) [P]

  Seven-Handed Sek [M]

  Silicarous, God of Good Fortune (Troll) [MP]

  Silur, Catfish-Headed God (Djeli) [P]

  Skelde, Spirit of the Smoke [LF]

  Sky God [LF]

  Smimto, God of Wine (Tsort) [SG]

  Sot (Djeli) [P]

  Soul Cake Duck [H]

  Stealer of Pencils [H]

  Steikhegel, God of Isolated Cow Byres [M]

  Stride Wide Man (Genua) [WA]

  Summer Lady, the [W]

  Sweevo, God of Cut Timber [TLH]

  Syncope (Djeli) [P]

  Tak (wrote the dwarf laws) [T!]

  Teg, Horse-Headed God of Agriculture (Djeli) [P]

  THE HOGFATHER

  Thrrp, Charioteer of the Sun (Djeli) [P]

  Thrume [RM]

  Tooth Fairy, the [SM, H]

  Topaxi, God of Certain Mushrooms, Great Ideas You Forgot to Write Down & Will Never Remember Again, and of People Who Tell Other People That ‘Dog’ is ‘God’ Spelled Backwards and Think This is In Some Way Revelatory. Also called Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom [LF,TLH]

  Towel Wasps [H]

  Tuvelpit, God of Wine (Ephebe) [SG]

  Tzut, Snake-Headed God of the Upper Djel (Djeli) [P]

  Ukli (god) [TLH]

  Umcherrel, Soul of the Forest [LF]

  Ur Gilash [SG]

  Urika, Goddess of Saunas, Snow & Theatrical Performances for Fewer Than 120 People [TLH]

  Verruca Gnome [H]

  Virtues, the (Patience, Chastity, Silence, Charity, Hope, Tubso, Bissonomy, Fortitude [MR]

  Vometia, Goddess of Vomit (Ankh-Morpork) [TLH]

  Vut, Dog-Headed God of the Evening (Djeli) [P]

  War [LF]

  What, Sky Goddess (Djeli) [P]

  Wintersmith, the [W]

  Wisdom Tooth Goblin [H]

  Yay (Djeli) [P]

  Zephyrus, God of Slight Breezes [COM]

  Delcross, Miss. Co-founder, with Miss BUTTS, of the QUIRM COLLEGE FOR YOUNG LADIES. She teaches Biology and Hygiene, and is keen on eurythmics. [SM]

  De Magpyr, Count. Family crest – Two magpies on a black and white shield. Family motto – Carpe Jugulum. A handsome, powerful vampyre (not vampire, a word which is so fifteen centuries ago). He looks like a gentleman of independent means and an enquiring mind, the kind of man who goes for long walks in the mornings and spends the afternoons improving his mind in his own private library or doing small interesting experiments on parsnips and never, ever worrying about money. There is something glossy about him, and an urgent, hungry enthusiasm – the kind you get when someone has just read a really interesting book and is determined to tell someone all about it. He is quite an advanced thinker and is determined that vampyres can adapt and shake off the old and unnecessary traditions such as fear of garlic, light and religious symbols. [CJ]

  De Magpyr, Lachrimosa. Daughter of the Count and Countess De Magpyr. She is a thin girl in a white dress, with very long black hair and far too much eye make-up. She is a chronic complainer and is a keen supporter of the more modern vampyre fashions, besides being the vampyre equivalent of a Goth – that is, she and her friends wear brightly coloured clothes, pretend to drink wine, and outrage their parents by going to bed early.

  De Magpyr, Old Count, the. Uncle of the Count. Tall, thin, grey-haired man in evening dress and a red-lined cloak. He also wears the star and sash of the Order of Gvot. Distinguished in a distant, aloof sort of way, with a glimmer of lengthened canine on his lower lip. He built the family home, Don’tgonearthe Castle. Rose from the dead so often he had a coffin with a revolving lid. [CJ]

  De Magpyr, Vlad. Son of the Count and brother to Lachrimosa. A very attractive young-looking man (barely 200 years old) with an infectious grin and a ponytail. He favours the ‘New Romantic’ look, running to lacy shirts and embroidered waistcoats. Took a bit of a shine to Agnes NITT. [CJ]

  Demonologists, nature of: Surreptitious, pale men who get up to complicated things in darkened rooms and have damp, weak handshakes. Technically they are wizards, althoug
h UU frowns on the practice. [E]

  Demons. Demons have existed on the Disc for at least as long as the gods, who in many ways they closely resemble. Indeed, some – such as QUEZOVERCOATL – can be both at the same time. The difference is basically the same as that between terrorists and freedom fighters.

  Demons don’t breathe. They belong to the same space-time continuum, more or less, as humans, and have a deep and abiding interest in humanity’s day-to-day affairs. Their home is a spacious dimension close to reality, traditionally decorated in shades of flame and maintained at roasting point. This isn’t actually necessary, but if there is one thing that your average demon is, it is a traditionalist (in fact it’s hard to think of many other things that it is; a demon is generally as capable of original thought as a parrot is capable of original swearwords).

  In the centre of the inferno, rising majestically from a lake of lava substitute and with unparalleled views of the Eight Circles, lies the city of Pandemonium.

  As has been indicated, demons are not great innovative thinkers and really need the spice of human ingenuity. They are strong believers in precedence and hierarchy. Numb and mindless stupidity is part of what being a demon is all about.

  Smaller and more controllable varieties of demon may be employed in picture boxes, watches, doorknockers and hinges. After a few years, however, they invariably escape or simply evaporate.

  Demons, names of.

  ASTFGL Azaremoth [ E ]

  Beezlemoth, Earl [ E ]

  Drazometh the Putrid, Duke [ E ]

  QUEZOVERCOATL

  Riinjswin [ E ]

  Urglefloggah [E]

  Vizzimuth [ E ]

  Winswin [ E ]

  WXRTHLTL-JWLPKLZ

  Demurrage, Aliss. Black Aliss. A very powerful witch, who lived near the forest of Skund (itself an area of strong residual magic). Some of her best-known exploits involved turning a pumpkin into a royal coach and sending a whole palace to sleep for a hundred years.

  She was not called Black Aliss because of her exploits, which were the result of bad temper rather than actual malice. She was called Black Aliss because of her fingernails. And her teeth. She had a sweet tooth and as a result used to live in a real gingerbread cottage (similar to the one still standing when discovered by RINCEWIND and TWOFLOWER in The Light Fantastic); this followed early experiments with broccoli and bran cottages, which didn’t seem to have the same frisson and smelled a lot worse. All the same, modern witches declare that she never really ate anyone. Well, perhaps a few people, but only rarely, and more or less by accident and short-sightedness, and that hardly made her a cannibal. A couple of kids shoved her into her own oven in the end.

  She is generally spoken of by modern witches, who live in more democratic times when such ungoverned excesses of power are frowned upon, with a sort of wistful disapproval.

  Detritus. A troll. In many ways, the troll. He is the troll many people in Ankh-Morpork, particularly University students, think of when they hear the word, bringing back as it does vague memories of sudden concussion and extreme pain.

  He is rangy rather than huge (for a troll) and is widely – and wrongly, on the whole – believed to have an IQ the size of a walnut. His knuckles drag on the ground, but that is not unusual among trolls, although his ability to touch the ground with his lower lip when moving fast is the envy of many. Like most of his fellows, when not employed in some office that requires a uniform he wears a ragged loincloth to cover whatever it is that trolls feel it is necessary to conceal.

  Lacking any other skill and finding even unskilled labour mentally taxing, Detritus found work anywhere a hired fist was required. When first encountered, he was working as a splatter at the Mended DRUM in Ankh-Morpork (like a bouncer, but trolls use more force) but he has since become upwardly mobile, or at least horizontally portable. His career began to move when he found employment hitting people in the HOLY WOOD moving picture industry, where he met RUBY, a singer.

  It is obvious that her influence caused him to rethink his life goals, because he later became an acting-constable and then a sergeant in the Ankh-Morpork City WATCH, a profession in which his unquestioning obedience to orders and a loud voice proved a major, or at least sergeant, advantage. His Watch armour gleams almost as brightly as that of Captain CARROT, although in Detritus’ case this is because he often forgets to stop rubbing. He now carries a specially adapted 200lb siege crossbow, which he calls ‘The Piece-maker’, which is capable of blowing open the front and back doors of a house simultaneously. He built it himself, from a siege weapon. Within the Watch, Detritus has bloomed, and there are hints that although he is quite thick he is also, in many ways, not entirely stupid.

  Devant-Molei, Rosie. Runs the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons in Ankh-Morpork. Described as having the build of someone who could pick up carthorses in one hand and shoe them with the other. One of the particular type of high-born lady who is seldom seen not wearing rubber boots. [GG]

  Devereaux. Innkeeper in Genua. Not fat or red-faced, and this was practically a hanging offence under Genua’s strange laws. [WA]

  Device, the. (Cube). A sort of dwarf machine. No one knows who made them. They might be older than the world. They have been found in volcanoes and the deepest rocks. The deep down dwarfs have most of them. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and are unbelievably valuable, especially the cubes. [T!]

  DeVice, Amanita. One of DIAMANDA’S coven in LANCRE. She had a dagger and skull tattoo on her arm (drawn in ink). [LL]

  de Worde, William. A professional scribe. Ankh-Morpork has a number of these, who will write letters home for you, or draft a petition to the PATRICIAN. Son of Lord de Worde (a man with definite, and rather unpleasant, views on how Ankh-Morpork should be run) and the product, therefore, of a wealthy family who are used to getting their own way. The family motto is Le Mot Juste. Their family’s town house is at 50 Nonsuch Street. His elder brother, Rupert was killed in battle in Klatch.

  William, who is the youngest son, was educated at HUGGLESTONES, where he enjoyed swordsmanship and merely survived everything else. He enjoys reading and writing and he loves words. William is less than typical of the great mass of scribes because of two personal inventions.

  One is the Standard Letter. Movable type had not at the time been invented in Ankh-Morpork and most printing of things like playbills and posters was done by wood block engravers. It occurred to William (‘Thynges Written Downe’) de Worde to make use of this facility, because so many of the letters he had to write were so similar.

  William de Worde’s related concept was his ‘letter of thynges that have happened’. The basic idea wasn’t new. Many nobles, foreign dignitaries and expatriate Ankh-Morporkians employ scribes to send them regular letters to keep them up to date with city affairs. But, again, William realised that all he needed do was write one letter with suitable spaces to allow for things like ‘To my Noble Lord the . . .’, trace it backwards on pieces of boxwood provided for him by the engraver and then pay the said engraver twenty dollars to carefully remove the wood that wasn’t letters and make twenty impressions on sheets of paper.

  However, a chance encounter with Gunilla GOODMOUNTAIN, and coincidentally with an out-of-control cart full of lead, led William to found Ankh-Morpork’s first newspaper, The Ankh-Morpork Times. In fact it would be true to say that he didn’t found it, it found him. His editorial style has been likened to someone with their bum stuffed with tweed. Without ever actually meaning to, William invented a primitive form of journalism (that is, one not yet so advanced as to consist entirely of things made up) and such associated ideas as The Public Interest and the Freedom of the Press. He appears to have survived despite this suicidal mind-set. No doubt Lord VETINARI thinks he will be useful. His lordship is quite happy for people to annoy him, provided they annoy other people even more. [TT, MR]

  Diamanda. Her real name is Lucy Tockley, but she felt that Diamanda was more witchy, and the mere fact that someone could think a p
hrase like that should tell us everything about them that we need to know. And, indeed, she does paint her nails black, and wears black lace and a floppy black velvet hat with a veil and does all the other necro-nerdy things that people do when they are young and therefore immortal. This naturally skinny seventeen-year-old was the leader of the self-taught coven of young girls in LANCRE, up until Granny Weatherwax found out about it. [LL]

  Dibbler, Cut-Me-Own-Throat. Claud Maximillian Overton Transpire Dibbler. Wheresoever two or three are gathered together, someone else will turn up and try to sell them something hot in a bun. This person will probably be C. M. O. T. Dibbler.

  Dibbler is the purveyor of absolutely anything that can be sold hurriedly from an open suitcase in a busy street. He likes to describe himself as a merchant adventurer; everyone else likes to describe him as an itinerant pedlar whose money-making schemes are always let down by some small but vital flaw, such as trying to sell things he doesn’t own or that don’t work or, sometimes, don’t even exist. Quite often they describe him as someone they would like to catch up with.

  He is not, strictly speaking, a criminal.

  In his natural state – i.e., when not inspired to take advantage of some passing fad or problem in Ankh-Morpork – Dibbler sells meat pies and sausages-in-a-bun from a tray around his neck or, when funds permit, a barrow. There is no need to describe these items, even as food. Dibbler takes the view that anything that has at any time been any part of a pig, or even near a pig, or possibly even within earshot of a pig, can be called pork. His guiding principle is that with enough mustard people will eat anything (his brief foray into ethnic food for trolls, a silicareous species, proved that Dibbler was even capable of finding stale rock).

  Dibbler’s coat of arms

  He is skinny, and when regarding him people are moved to recall that humans have some kind of small rodent somewhere in their ancestry. He speaks very quickly, with many a sidelong glance, and usually wears a huge overcoat, full of pockets, none of which have exact change. He is known to have premises in a cellar near the SHADES in Ankh-Morpork. No one knows where he actually lives. Since going to sleep might involve missing a wonderful business opportunity he possibly never does so.

  Dibbler is also the seller of mail-order lessons on the Path of the Scorpion, a self-defence system, under the name of Grand Master Lobsang Dibbler. He also served short stints as moving pictures mogul and music industry promoter, two occupations that came as near to suiting his peculiar talents as any he has ever tried.