Turtle Recall: The Discworld Companion ... So Far Read online

  Dotsie is short and plump, Sadie is tall and thin with a pale, oval face. They never run and neither smiles much, at least not at the things most people would find amusing. Both always dress in black, with old-fashioned black straw bonnets. Dotsie’s handbag and Sadie’s parrot-headed umbrella are used by them as weapons. Their actual mode of operation is unclear, but at best an offender will wake up in the street without any clothes and covered in paint in a place where turpentine is really going to hurt. Or may find himself on board a ship headed for the incredibly distant island of Sumtri by way of Cape Terror. Or may, indeed, never be found again at all if the offence warrants it; it is rumoured that merely killing someone is only about half way up the Aunts’ scale of punishments.

  They are seldom required these days, and generally spend their afternoons taking tea in some small tearoom somewhere. They seldom are seen talking to one another, except about matters currently in hand; the impression is that they did all their talking a long time ago.

  The position of the official Watch on the subject of the Aunts is typical of that pragmatism which is the soul of Ankh-Morpork. Since they know that the Guild has a very flexible approach to what is acceptable and, indeed, natural, they take the view that anyone even capable of complaining to them after the ministrations of the Aunts got let off lightly. But a bottle of turpentine and a scrubbing brush is kept at Pseudopolis Yard for the more pathetic cases.

  Ahmed, 71-Hour. Prince CADRAM’S policeman in Klatch. He studied at the ASSASSINS’ GUILD in Ankh-Morpork, and takes the view that after surviving a posh public school a man can survive anything.

  Ahmed is a skinny man of uncertain age and below average height. He has a cast in one eye and his face is a network of scar tissue, surrounding a nose like an eagle’s beak. He has a sort of beard and moustache, but the scars affect the growth so much that the hair sticks out in strange bunches and at odd angles. He looks, in fact, like he’s been hit in the mouth by a hedgehog. Said mouth full of gold teeth and strange exhalations, because he chews cloves. He wears a huge curved sword on his back and acts as policeman, judge, jury, executioner and sexton for criminals in the far-flung regions of Klatch. [J]

  Aimsbury. He works as the chef at the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork, along with his daughter Peggy. He is allergic to the word ‘garlic’. Not the vegetable. Just the word. [MM]

  Ajandurah’s Wand of Utter Negativity. Weapon used by MARCHESA to control Rincewind and Twoflower. Its use does not cause the victim simply to cease to exist, but also to have never existed. An extremely dangerous device discouraged at Unseen University. [COM]

  Albert, DEATH’S manservant. (See MALICH, ALBERTO.)

  Albrechtson, Albrecht. A candidate for the position of Low King in ÜBERWALD. Albrecht is very much a traditionalist, and dresses in the cone-shaped leather-flapped robes favoured by the deep underground dwarfs. He resents the reforms that are affecting dwarfdom, and would be happy to see Ankh-Morpork burned to the ground. [TFE]

  Alchemists’ Guild. Motto: OMNIS QVIS CORVSCAT EST OR. Coat of arms: a shield quartered with, on the upper-right and lower-left quarters, guttées d’or on a field, azure. On the lower-right and upper-left quarters, a creuset, sable et enflamm on a field, gules.

  The Guildhall, located on the Street of Alchemists in Ankh-Morpork, is always new. It was explosively demolished and rebuilt four times over one two-year period – on the last occasion without a lecture and demonstration room, in the hope that this might prove helpful to its long-term prospects.

  This tiny, despised Guild largely devotes itself to the aid of widows and orphans of those alchemists who had taken an overly relaxed attitude to potassium cyanide or who had distilled the juice of some interesting fungi and had drunk the result. There are in fact not very many widows and orphans, because alchemists find it difficult to relate to people long enough to form such relationships, and women often find it difficult to grow attached to people who have laminated themselves across the ceiling.

  Alchemists are uncooperative in every other respect; every alchemist is a solitary individual, working in darkened rooms or hidden cellars and endlessly searching for the one longed-for breakthrough – the Philosopher’s Stone, the Elixir of Life – or, failing that, enormous amounts of cash. This success has never been achieved, but they have succeeded in creating celluloid and popcorn (or, as they styled them, octo-cellulose and banged grains – the basis for the brief Discworld moving-picture industry centred around HOLY WOOD) and have managed to fail to discover nuclear power, computers and electricity. The only real skill that alchemists have developed is how to turn gold into less gold.

  They tend to be thin, pink-eyed men, with that vague, unworldly expression that you get from spending too much time in the presence of boiling mercury.4 They also tend to be nervous individuals – it comes from not knowing what the crucible they are experimenting with is going to do next.

  The current head of the Guild is Thomas SILVERFISH, although in the nature of things there is a regular turnover – and, indeed, rise and fall – of senior Guild members.

  Alfonz. Sailor on the ‘Unnamed’, a trading boat belonging to CHIDDER’S family. Its purpose was largely that of moving things from one place to another without disturbing people, particularly those people of a revenue frame of mind; its appearance was that of a slow merchant ship, which often led pirates to engage in actions which they briefly regretted. Alfonz himself is a mere walking canvas for so many instructive tattoos of a carnal nature that strictly speaking he should be dressed in a plain brown wrapper. [P]

  Alice. Also called ‘Princess’. She is a thirteen-year-old girl, who works in Tower 181 of the Clacks system. [GP]

  Al Khali. City on the Hubward coast of KLATCH. It is rather like Ankh-Morpork, but with sand instead of mud. Popularly called the Gateway to the mysterious continent of Klatch, Al Khali’s temple frescos are famous far and wide, at least among discerning connoisseurs (tours leave hourly from the Statue of OFFLER in the Square of 967 Delights5 but are restricted to males over eighteen and married women).

  The city is also known for its wind, blowing from the vastness of the deserts and continents nearer the Rim. A gentle but persistent breeze, it ‘carries aromatic messages from the heart of the continent, compounded of the chill of deserts, the stink of lions, the compost of jungles and the flatulence of wildebeest’.

  The Seriph’s palace, the RHOXIE, occupies most of the centre of the city that isn’t covered by the artificial paradise constructed by Seriph CREOSOTE in his search for a more cerebral life. The patron deity of the city is Offler, the Crocodile God, a popular deity on the continent. [S, P]

  Alls Fallow. The one night of the year, according to legend, when witches and warlocks stay in bed. This is probably just a legend; the witches so far identified on the Discworld go to bed when they damn well feel like it. It is worth noting that no practising warlock has ever been found on the Disc and, indeed, no one even knows how many legs one should have. [COM]

  Al-Ybi. Undistinguished Klatchian desert city, known in folklore as a place where criminals always claimed to be when accused of a crime. The Seriph of Al-Ybi was once cursed by a dyslexic deity, so that everything he touched turned to GLOD, a small dwarf. That was the most interesting thing that ever happened in Al-Ybi. In Al-Ybi, it is said, the Klatchians invented the concept of zero. That tells history everything it needs to know about what there was to do in Al-Ybi of an evening. [WA]

  Amanita. See DEVICE, AMANITA.

  Amonia. Queen of LANCRE for about three hours. The guests played hide-and-seek at the wedding party; Amonia hid in a big, heavy chest in an attic and was not found for seven months. It seems she is remembered in Discworld legend because the story is considered to be romantic. [LL]

  André. A member of the reformed CABLE STREET PARTICULARS, although when first encountered he is a piano player at the Ankh-Morpork OPERA HOUSE. André is a fair-haired young man with a pleasant laugh. André is also a member of the Guild of MUSICIANS (Memb. No. 1244
) [M!!!!!]

  Andrews, Altogether. One of the Canting Crew – a group of beggars living under the Brass Bridge in Ankh-Morpork. Andrews’ personality contains eight separate personalities – Jossi, Lady Hermione, Little Sidney, Mr Viddle, Curly, the Judge, Tinker and Burke. The accepted view is that Andrews was some innocent and hospitable person of a psychic disposition who had simply been overwhelmed by the eight colonising souls.

  Anghammarad. A very old talking golem. Actually almost 19,000 years old. Born in the fire by the priests of Upsa in the third Ning of the Shaving of the Goat (that should help you to place him accurately), he was given a voice so that he could carry messages. His eyes burn a deep ruby red, and a chill of time radiates off him. On one arm, just above the elbow, he had a metal box on a corroded band which has stained the surrounding clay. This was used to deliver items for King Het of Thut 9000 years ago [GP]

  Angua. Captain and chief tracker of the Ankh-Morpork City WATCH. Her full name is Delphine Angua von Überwald, and she is a werewolf. Her father (sire) was Baron Guye von Überwald (also called Silvertail); her mother was Mme Serafine Soxe-Bloonberg of Genua (also called Yellowfang). Angua had two brothers and a sister. Her sister, Elsa was a YENNORK (she was always in human state) and was killed by their brother WOLFGANG. Her brother, Andrei, is a yennork who is always in wolf state. He was driven away by Wolfgang and currently lives as a champion sheepdog in Borogravia. Angua is a classic biomorph: for most of the month she is a well-developed girl with ash-blond hair (which she washes in Willard Brothers’ ‘Good Girl!’ Flea Shampoo), and at full moon she is a werewolf, with blond hair as long as a mane around her ears. She has a human intellect but with certain additional powers, such as the ability to smell colours and tear out a man’s jugular vein.

  Papilio tempestae (Quantum Weather Butterfly)

  Angua has a long-term liaison with Captain CARROT Ironfoundersson, also of the Watch. Well, a bit more than just a liaison. It appears that Carrot, whose main hobby is ambling the byways of Ankh-Morpork on foot, has been more than happy to forgo the slight monthly dampener on the relationship in exchange for a girlfriend who is always ready for a nice long walk. [MAA, FoC, J, TFE, TT, NW, MR, GP, T!, MM, ISWM]

  Animals of the Disc. The Discworld has a wide range of creatures that are peculiar (in both senses of the word) to it. Many remain decently shrouded in mystery, while others have been the subject of more detailed observation. Some of the more prominent of them include:

  Albatross, Pointless. It can fly from the Hub of the Discworld to the Rim without landing. When it does land, however, it seems to do nothing except wander around for a while taking a few photographs. [SG]

  Aphodius Maximus. The Giant Dung Beetle [TLH]

  Basilisk. [S]

  Blowfish, Deep Water. An extremely delicious but deadly fish, parts of whose body contain the poison which is distilled by the ASSASSINS’ GUILD into ‘bloat’, the effect of which is to make the eater very briefly impersonate a Zeppelin. A very skilled cook indeed is needed to prepare the dish; his job is to make sure it contains no trace whatsoever of the fish. [P]

  Bog Truffle, Klatchian Migratory. Pale, brown, warty and now extremely rare. Once whole bogs would appear to be on the move. Delicious on toast. [M]

  BOOKWORM, .303.

  Burglar Crab. [H]

  BUTTERFLY, QUANTUM WEATHER. The existence of this breed (identified, apart from its noticeable effects, by the interesting fractal patterns on its wings) probably owes a lot to the Discworld’s precarious balance on the cusp of reality, where a good metaphor stands a fair chance of becoming real. In brief, the QWB can change the weather at a distance merely by flapping its wings. This probably originated as a survival mechanism – few predators would tolerate a very small but extremely localised thunderstorm. [MAA]

  CHIMERA.

  Coit, Three-banded. [WA]

  Combovered Eagle. Can vomit over three countries at once [UA]

  Common Creed Waggler. [SN]

  Crowhawk, Lancre. [LL]

  CUCKOO, CLOCK-BUILDING.

  CURIOUS SQUID. [CJ]

  Deep-Throated Frog-Eater. [SN]

  Elephant, Hermit. A very shy, thin-skinned species, which for preference wears abandoned huts for protection and concealment. It does not find these hard to obtain. Few people remain in a hut once an elephant has joined them. [MAA]

  Fighting Tiger Limpet. [H]

  Fox, Lancre Reciprocating. Little is known of this creature except that, from context, it appears to act like a warrior about to go into battle, i.e., it probably drinks a lot and makes love as often as possible. [LL]

  Ice Bear. [H]

  Lemma, Shadowing. A possibly invisible creature which stalks and eats mathematicians. [MAA]

  Lipwigzers. A breed of fierce guard dogs. [GP]

  Mongoose, Inflatable. In this creature, evolution has found an efficient way of dealing with burrowing snakes. It is impervious to all snake venom, and its liver is highly prized as a result. [P]

  Octarsier, Tree-dwelling. [COM]

  Parkinson’s Warbler. [SN]

  Pig breeds: Lancre Stripe, Sto Saddleback. [LL]

  Puff Eel, Deepwater. Caught only for its bladder and spleen, which contain a deadly yet tasty poison. [M]

  PUZUMA, AMBIGUOUS.

  RIMFISHER.

  Ramtop sheep. Known for its wool, which can be knitted into vests of almost chain-mail quality. Known breeds include Habbakuk Polls and Lowland Cobbleworths. [GG, W]

  SALAMANDERS.

  SCALBIE.

  Spikefish. [RM]

  Stripefish, Red. [RM]

  Tharga beasts. It is known that some creatures have a secondary brain. Tharga beasts, herded in some parts of the Ramtops for their meat and hair, have four – one for each leg. A tharga progresses by means of consensus, and therefore is frequently found stuck in crevasses, backed into thorn bushes, plunging over cliffs, etc., its only consolation being that it got there democratically. [M]

  Thrush, Lancre Suicide. Many thrushes break open snails by banging them on a stone; this species attempts to dive-bomb them. [MAA]

  Überwaldian Deep Cave Land Eel. An ugly, newt-like creature. It emits a burst of DARK LIGHT when startled. [TT]

  VERMINE.

  Vurms. Glow beetles which grow in deep caves in Llamedos. They have no teeth, and eat organic matter when it gets ‘runny’. (T!)

  WORRIER, LAPPET-FACED.

  YETI.

  Yok. Horned beast of burden and food, used by nomads in the Hub regions. Like a yak but heavier. [M]

  Ankh, River. This mighty river flows from the RAMTOPS down to the CIRCLE SEA, passing through the great city of ANKH-MORPORK, by which time it is tidal, and very sluggish. Even before it enters Ankh-Morpork it is slow and heavy with the silt of the plains; by the time it gets to the seaward side of the city, even an agnostic could walk across it. The citizens of Ankh-Morpork are strangely proud of this fact. They say that it is hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate.

  Owing to the accretions of centuries, the bed of the river is in fact higher than some of the low-lying areas; when the winter snows swell the flow, some of the low-rent areas of Morpork flood – if you can use that word for a liquid you could pick up in a net. By the time it has passed through the city, it can be called a liquid only because it moves faster than the land surrounding it.

  There are said to be some mystic rivers, one drop of which can steal a man’s life away. After its turbid passage through the twin cities, the Ankh could be one of them. Citizens of Ankh-Morpork, however, claim that the river’s water is incredibly pure in any case: any water that has passed through so many kidneys, they reason, has to be very pure indeed. There are fish, of a sort, that have adapted to life in the Ankh, but their shape is not recorded because they explode when exposed to air or fresh water.

  There are big river gates where the river flows out of the city. These, and the gates on some of the city’s bridges, are used in time of fire to flood the city. It says a great deal for the st
oicism of the citizens that being drenched in the waters of the river is considered preferable to being burned alive.

  The Ankh is probably the only river in the universe on which murder investigators could chalk the outline of a corpse.

  Ankh-Morpork. Mottoes: MERVS IN PECTVM ET IN AQVAM and QVANTI CANICVLA ILLE IN FENESTRA. Coat of arms: a shield, supported by two Hippopotâmes Royales Bâillant – one enchainé, one couronné au cou – and surmounted by a Morpork Vautré Hululant, bearing an Ankh d’or, and ornée by a banner with the legend ‘Merus In Pectum Et In Aquam’. The shield bisected by a tower en maçonnerie sans fenêtres and quartered by a fleuve, argent and azure, bend sinister. On the upper-right quarter a field, vert, of brassicae prasinae; on the lower-left quarter a field, sable. On the upper-left and lower-right quarters, bourses d’or on a field argent. Below the arms a ribbon with the legend ‘Quanti Canicula Ille In Fenestra’.

  Pop: 1,000,000 (including the suburbs). Chief exports: manufactured goods, most of the processed animal and vegetable produce of the fertile STO PLAINS, trouble. Main ‘invisible’ exports: banking, assassination, wizardry, trouble.

  Imports: raw materials, people, trouble.

  The shield shows the TOWER OF ART, the oldest building in the city, and also celebrates both the river ANKH and the vast surrounding expanse of brassica fields which have combined to produce the city’s prosperity and, to a great extent, its smell.

  The younger of the two mottoes, Merus In Pectum Et In Aquam (lit.: ‘Pure in mind and water’) was devised by a rather high-minded committee in the early days of the First Republic, and is considered a jolly good laugh.