Guards! Guards! tds-8 Read online

  "He has to marry a princess, too," said Brother Doorkeeper. ' 'On account of him being a swineherd.''

  They looked at him.

  "Who said anything about him being a swineherd?" said Brother Watchtower. "I never said he was a swineherd. What's this about swineherds?"

  "He's got a point, though," said Brother Plasterer. "He's generally a swineherd or a forester or similar, your basic scion. It's to do with being in wossname. Cognito. They've got to appear to be of, you know, humble origins."

  "Nothing special about humble origins," said a very small Brother, who seemed to consist entirely of a little perambulatory black robe with halitosis. "I've got lots of humble origins. In my family we thought swineherding was a posh job."

  "But your family doesn't have the blood of kings, Brother Dunnykin,'' said Brother Plasterer.

  "We might of…" said Brother Dunnykin sulkily.

  "Right, then," said Brother Watchtower grudgingly. "Fair enough. But at the essential moment, see your genuine kings throw back their cloak and say 'Lo!' and their essential kingnessness shines through."

  "How, exactly?" said Brother Doorkeeper.

  "….might of got the blood of kings," muttered Brother Dunnykin. "Got no right saying I might not have got the blood of…"

  "Look, it just does, okay? You just know it when you see it."

  "But before that they've got to save the kingdom," said Brother Plasterer.

  "Oh, yes," said Brother Watchtower heavily. "That's the main thing, is that."

  "What from, then?"

  "…got as much right as anyone to might have the blood of kings…''

  "The Patrician?" said Brother Doorkeeper.

  Brother Watchtower, as the sudden authority on the ways of royalty, shook his head.

  "I dunno that the Patrician is a threat, exactly," he said. "He's not your actual tyrant, as such. Not as bad as some we've had. I mean, he doesn't actually oppress.''

  "I get oppressed all the time," said Brother Doorkeeper. "Master Critchley, where I work, he oppresses me morning, noon and night, shouting at me and everything. And the woman in the vegetable shop, she oppresses me all the time."

  "That's right," said Brother Plasterer. "My landlord oppresses me something wicked. Banging on the door and going on and on about all the rent I allegedly owe, which is a total lie. And the people next door oppress me all night long. I tell them, I work all day, a man's got to have some time to learn to play the tuba. That's oppression, that is. If I'm not under the heel of the oppressor, I don't know who is."

  "Put like that," said Brother Watchtower slowly, "I reckon my brother-in-law is oppressing me all the time with having this new horse and buggy he's been and bought. I haven't got one. I mean, where's the justice in that? I bet a king wouldn't let that sort of oppression go on, people's wives oppressing 'em with why haven't they got a new coach like our Rodney and that."

  The Supreme Grand Master listened to this with a slightly light-headed feeling. It was as if he'd known that there were such things as avalanches, but had never dreamed when he dropped the little snowball on top of the mountain that it could lead to such astonishing results. He was hardly having to egg them on at all.

  "I bet a king'd have something to say about landlords," said Brother Plasterer.

  "And he'd outlaw people with showy coaches," said Brother Watchtower. "Probably bought with stolen money, too, I reckon."

  "I think," said the Supreme Grand Master, tweaking things a little, "that a wise king would only, as it were, outlaw showy coaches for the undeserving. "

  There was a thoughtful pause in the conversation as the assembled Brethren mentally divided the universe into the deserving and the undeserving, and put themselves on the appropriate side.

  "It'd be only fair," said Brother Watchtower slowly. "But Brother Plasterer was right, really. I can't see a scion manifesting his destiny just because Brother Doorkeeper thinks the woman in the vegetable shop keeps giving him funny looks. No offense."

  "And bloody short weight," said Brother Doorkeeper. "And she…"

  "Yes, yes, yes," said the Supreme Grand Master. "Truly the right-thinking folk of Ankh-Morpork are beneath the heel of the oppressors. However, a king generally reveals himself in rather more dramatic circumstances. Like a war, for example."

  Things were going well. Surely, for all their self-centred stupidity, one of them would be bright enough to make the suggestion?

  "There used to be some old prophecy or something," said Brother Plasterer. "My grandad told me." His eyes glazed with the effort of dramatic recall. " 'Yea, the king will come bringing Law and Justice, and know nothing but the Truth, and Protect and Serve the People with his Sword.' You don't all have to look at me like that, I didn't make it up."

  "Oh, we all know that one. And a fat lot of good that'd be," said Brother Watchtower. "I mean, what does he do, ride in with Law and Truth and so on like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Hallo everyone," he squeaked, "I'm the king, and that's Truth over there, watering his horse. Not very practical, is it? Nah. You can't trust old legends."

  "Why not?" said Brother Dunnykin, in a peeved voice.

  " 'Cos they're legendary. That's how you can tell," said Brother Watchtower.

  "Sleeping princesses is a good one," said Brother Plasterer. "Only a king can wake 'em up."

  "Don't be daft," said Brother Watchtower severely. "We haven't got a king, so we can't have princesses. Stands to reason."

  "Of course, in the old days it was easy," said Brother Doorkeeper happily.

  "Why?"

  "He just had to kill a dragon."

  The Supreme Grand Master clapped his hands together and offered a silent prayer to any god who happened to be listening. He'd been right about these people. Sooner or later their rambling little minds took them where you wanted them to go.

  "What an interesting idea," he trilled.

  "Wouldn't work," said Brother Watchtower dourly. "There ain't no big dragons now."

  "There could be."

  The Supreme Grand Master cracked his knuckles.

  "Come again?" said Brother Watchtower.

  "I said there could be."

  There was a nervous laugh from the depths of Brother Watchtower's cowl.

  "What, the real thing? Great big scales and wings?"

  "Yes."

  "Breath like a blast furnace."

  "Yes."

  "Them big claw things on its feet?"

  "Talons? Oh, yes. As many as you want."

  "What do you mean, as many as I want?"

  "I would hope it's self-explanatory, Brother Watch-tower. If you want dragons, you can have dragons. You can bring a dragon here. Now. Into the city."

  "Me?"

  "All of you. I mean us," said the Supreme Grand Master.

  Brother Watchtower hesitated. "Well, I don't know if that's a very good-"

  "And it would obey your every command."

  That stopped them. That pulled them up. That dropped in front of their weasely little minds like a lump of meat in a dog pound.

  "Can you just repeat that?" said Brother Plasterer slowly.

  "You can control it. You can make it do whatever you want."

  "What? A real dragon?"

  The Supreme Grand Master's eyes rolled in the privacy of his hood.

  "Yes, a real one. Not a little pet swamp dragon. The genuine article."

  "But I thought they were, you know . . . miffs."

  The Supreme Grand master leaned forward.

  "'They were myths and they were real," he said loudly. "Both a wave and a particle."

  "You've lost me there," said Brother Plasterer.

  "I will demonstrate, then. The book please, Brother Fingers. Thank you. Brethren, I must tell you that when I was undergoing my tuition by the Secret Masters…"

  "The what, Supreme Grand Master?" said Brother Plasterer.

  "Why don't you listen? You never listen. He said the Secret Masters!" said Brother Watchtower. "You know, the v
enerable sages what live on some mountain and secretly run everything and taught him all this lore and that, and can walk on fires and that. He told us last week. He's going to teach us, aren't you, Supreme Grand Master," he finished obsequiously.

  "Oh, the Secret Masters," said Brother Plasterer. "Sorry. It's these mystic hoods. Sorry. Secret. I remember."

  But when I rule the city, the Supreme Grand Master said to himself, there is going to be none of this. I shall form a new secret society of keen-minded and intelligent men, although not too intelligent of course, not too intelligent. And we will overthrow the cold tyrant and we will usher in a new age of enlightenment and fraternity and humanism and Ankh-Morpork will become a Utopia and people like Brother Plasterer will be roasted over slow fires if I have any say in the matter, which I will. And his figgin…[2]

  "When I was, as I said, undergoing my tuition by the Secret Masters…" he continued.

  "That was where they told you had to walk on rice-paper, wasn't it," said Brother Watchtower conversationally. "I always thought that was a good bit. I've been saving it off the bottom of my macaroons ever since. Amazing, really. I can walk on it no trouble. Shows what being in a proper secret society does for you, does that."

  When he is on the griddle, the Supreme Grand Master thought, Brother Plasterer will not be lonely.

  "Your footfalls on the road of enlightenment are an example to us all, Brother Watchtower," he said. "If I may continue, however — among the many secrets…"

  "— from the Heart of Being -" said Brother Watch-tower approvingly.

  "…from the Heart, as Brother Watchtower says, of Being, was the current location of the noble dragons. The belief that they died out is quite wrong. They simply found a new evolutionary niche. And they can be summoned from it. This book," he flourished it, "gives specific instructions."

  "It's just in a book?" said Brother Plasterer.

  "No ordinary book. This is the only copy. It has taken me years to track it down," said the Supreme Grand Master. "It's in the handwriting of Tubal de Malachite, a great student of dragon lore. His actual handwriting. He summoned dragons of all sizes. And so can you."

  There was another long, awkward silence.

  "Um," said Brother Doorkeeper.

  "Sounds a bit like, you know . . . magic to me," said Brother Watchtower, in the nervous tone of the man who has spotted which cup the pea is hidden under but doesn't like to say. "I mean, not wishing to question your supreme wisdomship and that, but ... well . . . you know . . . magic . . ."

  His voice trailed off.

  "Yeah," said Brother Plasterer uncomfortably.

  "It's, er, the wizards, see," said Brother Fingers. "You prob'ly dint know this, when you was banged up with them venerable herberts on their mountain, but the wizards round here come down on you like a ton of bricks if they catches you doin' anything like that."

  "Demarcation, they call it," said Brother Plasterer.

  "Like, I don't go around fiddling with the mystic interleaved wossnames of causality, and they don't do any plastering."

  "I fail to see the problem," said the Supreme Grand Master. In fact, he saw it all too clearly. This was the last hurdle. Help their tiny little minds over this, and he held the world in the palm of his hand. Their stupefyingly unintelligent self-interest hadn't let him down so far, surely it couldn't fail him now . . .

  The Brethren shuffled uneasily. Then Brother Dunnykin spoke.

  "Huh, wizards. What do they know about a day's work?"

  The Supreme Grand master breathed deeply. Ah . , .

  The air of mean-minded resentfulness thickened noticeably.

  "Nothing, and that's a fact," said Brother Fingers. "Goin' around with their noses in the air,too good for the likes o'us. I used to see 'em when I worked up the University. Backsides a mile wide, I'm telling you. Catch 'em doing a job of honest toil?"

  "Like thieving, you mean?" said Brother Watchtower, who had never liked Brother Fingers much.

  "O'course, they tell you," Brother Fingers went on, pointedly ignoring the comment, "that you shouldn't go round doin' magic on account of only them knowin' about not disturbin' the universal harmony and whatnot. Load of rubbish, in my opinion."

  "We-ell," said Brother Plasterer, "I dunno, really. I mean, you get the mix wrong, you just got a lot of damp plaster round your ankles. But you get a bit of magic wrong, and they say ghastly things comes out the woodwork and snitches you right up."

  "Yeah, but it's the wizards that say that," said Brother Watchtower thoughtfully. "Never could stand them myself, to tell you the truth. Could be they're on to a good thing and don't want the rest of us to find out. It's only waving your arms and chanting, when all's said and done."

  The Brethren considered this. It sounded plausible. If they were on to a good thing, they certainly wouldn't want anyone else muscling in.

  The Supreme Grand Master decided that the time was ripe.

  "Then we are agreed, Brethren? You are prepared to practice magic?"

  "Oh, practice," said Brother Plaster, relieved. "I don't mind practicing. So long as we don't have to do it for real…"

  The Supreme Grand Master thumped the book.

  "I mean carry out real spells! Put the city back on the right lines! Summon a dragon!" he shouted.

  They took a step back. Then Brother Doorkeeper said, "And then, if we get this dragon, the rightful king'll turn up, just like that?"

  "Yes!" said the Supreme Grand Master.

  "I can see that," said Brother Watchtower supportively.

  "Stands to reason. Because of destiny and the gnomic workings of fate."

  There was a moment's hesitation, and then a general nodding of cowls. Only Brother Plasterer looked vaguely unhappy.

  "We-ell," he said. "It won't get out of hand, will it?"

  "I assure you, Brother Plasterer, that you can give it up any time you like," said the Supreme Grand Master smoothly.

  "Well ... all right," said the reluctant Brother. "Just for a bit, then. Could we get it to stay here long enough to burn down, for example, any oppressive vegetable shops?" Ah. . .

  He'd won. There'd be dragons again. And a king again. Not like the old kings. A king who would do what he was told.

  "That," said the Supreme Grand Master, "depends on how much help you can be. We shall need, initially, any items of magic you can bring ..."

  It might not be a good idea to let them see that the last half of de Malachite's book was a charred lump. The man was clearly not up to it.

  He could do a lot better. And absolutely no one would be able to stop him.

  Thunder rolled . . .

  It is said that the gods play games with the lives of men. But what games, and why, and the identities of the actual pawns, and what the game is, and what the rules are — who knows?

  Best not to speculate.

  Thunder rolled. . . .

  It rolled a six.

  Now pull back briefly from the dripping streets of Ankh-Morpork, pan across the morning mists of the Disc, and focus in again on a young man heading for the city with all the openness, sincerity and innocence of purpose of an iceberg drifting into a major shipping lane.

  The young man is called Carrot. This is not because of his hair, which his father has always clipped short for reasons of Hygiene. It is because of his shape.

  It is the kind of tapering shape a boy gets through clean living, healthy eating, and good mountain air in huge lungfuls. When he flexes his shoulder muscles, other muscles have to move out of the way first.

  He is also bearing a sword presented to him in mysterious circumstances. Very mysterious circumstances. Surprisingly, therefore, there is something very unexpected about this sword. It isn't magical. It hasn't got a name. When you wield it you don't get a feeling of power, you just get blisters; you could believe it was a sword that had been used so much that it had ceased to be anything other than a quintessential sword, a long piece of metal with very sharp edges. And it hasn't got destiny writt
en all over it. It's practically unique, in fact.

  Thunder rolled.

  The gutters of the city gurgled softly as the detritus of the night was carried along, in some cases protesting feebly.

  When it came to the recumbent figure of Captain Vimes, the water diverted and flowed around him in two streams. Vimes opened his eyes. There was a moment of empty peace before memory hit him like a shovel.

  It had been a bad day for the Watch. There had been the funeral of Herbert Gaskin, for one thing. Poor old Gaskin. He had broken one of the fundamental rules of being a guard. It wasn't the sort of rule that someone like Gaskin could break twice. And so he'd been lowered into the sodden ground with the rain drumming on his coffin and no one present to mourn him but the three surviving members of the Night Watch, the most despised group of men in the entire city. Sergeant Colon had been in tears. Poor old Gaskin.

  Poor old Vimes, Vimes thought.

  Poor old Vimes, here in gutter. But that's where he started. Poor old Vimes, with the water swirling in under breastplate. Poor old Vimes, watching rest of gutter's contents ooze by. Prob'ly even poor old Gaskin has got better view now, he thought.

  Lessee . . . he'd gone off after the funeral and got drunk. No, not drunk, another word, ended with 'er'. Drunker, that was it. Because world all twisted up and wrong, like distorted glass, only came back into focus if you looked at it through bottom of bottle.

  Something else now, what was it?…

  Oh, yes. Night-time. Time for duty. Not for Gaskin, though. Have to get new fellow. New fellow coming anyway, wasn't that it? Some stick from the hicks. Written letter. Some tick from the snicks . . .

  Vimes gave up, and slumped back. The gutter continued to swirl.

  Overhead, the lighted letters fizzed and flickered in the rain.

  It wasn't only the fresh mountain air that had given Carrot his huge physique. Being brought up in a gold mine run by dwarfs and working a twelve-hour day hauling wagons to the surface must have helped.

  He walked with a stoop. What will do that is being brought up in a gold mine run by dwarfs who thought that five feet was a good height for a ceiling.