Turtle Recall: The Discworld Companion ... So Far Read online

  In fact, it was rather battered, with its gold thread tattered and unravelling. It was pointy, of course, with a wide, floppy brim. It was covered with gold lace, pearls, bands of purest VERMINE, sparkling ANKH-STONES, some incredibly tasteless sequins and – a real giveaway – a circle of OCTARINES round its crown, blazing in all eight colours of the spectrum. It was kept on a velvet cushion in a tall, round and battered leather box. When it spoke, which it did when fighting the Sourcerer, it had a clothy voice, with a choral effect, like a lot of voices talking at the same time, in almost perfect unison. [S]

  Archmandrite of B’Ituni. A previous owner of the black sword KRING. B’Ituni is little more than a fortified oasis near the Klatch-Hershebian border. [ COM ]

  Ardent. A deep downer dwarf, who acts as chief liaison with the ‘world above’ (those who live on the surface of the Disc). He is seen wearing a rigid, pointed black hood and he is otherwise completely shrouded in overlapping black leather scales, with just a narrow slit for his eyes. Has the same, level, way of speaking as Lord Vetinari. [T!]

  Argavisti. General of the Ephebian army, involved in the brief war against Omnia. [SG]

  Ariadne. Friend of Sybil Vimes (née Ramkin). She is keen to find suitable husbands for her girls. She had sextuplets: Mavis, Emily, Hermione, erm . . . Amanda (?), er, and the other one, and Jane, who has aspirations to become a writer. [SN]

  Arif, Greasy. A fisherman from Klatch. Together with his son, Akhan, he was one of the first people to re-discover the lost Kingdom of Leshp during the events of Jingo.

  Aristocrates. Secretary to the Tyrant of Ephebe. He is the author of Platitudes. [SG]

  Art, Works of. A number of major works of art have recently been named in the series. These include:

  Battle of Koom Valley, The (Methodia Rascal) [T!]

  Beauty Arising from the Pease Pudding Cart Attended by Cherubs Carrying Hot Dogs and Pies [UA]

  Don’t Talk to Me About Mondays! (Daniella Pouter) [T!]

  Freedom (Daniella Pouter) [T!]

  Goddess Anoia Arising from the Cutlery, The (some bloke with three ‘I’s in his name, apparently) [T!]

  Man with Dog (Lord Vetinari & Wuffles) (William Pouter) [MM]

  Three Large Pink Women and One Piece of Gauze (Caravati) [T!]

  For completeness, I will include a poem:

  Oi! To His Deaf Mistress (Robert Scandal) [UA]

  Artela. Wife of TEPPICYMON XXVII and mother of TEPPIC. She used to be a concubine. A vague woman who was fond of cats, she died in a swimming accident (insofar as a crocodile was involved). [P]

  Arthur, Barking Mad. Member of the DOG GUILD. One-eyed, bad-tempered Rottweiler, killed by Big FIDO. [MAA]

  Arthur, Wee Mad. He is a gnome, four inches high, and the supplier of rats to dwarf eateries throughout Ankh-Morpork. This enables him to work as a rat-catcher for nothing, selling his rats at half the Guild rate. He is basically humanoid and dresses in ratskin trousers. At least while working, he is bare to the waist save for two bandoliers criss-crossing his chest. He smokes tiny cigars, carries a very small crossbow, and is generally in a foul mood. His advertising sign declares:

  ‘WEE MAD ARTHUR

  ‘For those little things that get you down’

  Rats *FREE*

  Mise: 1p per ten tails

  Moles: ½p each

  Warsps: 50p per nest,

  Hornets 20p extra

  Cockroaches and similar by aranjement

  Small fees. BIG JOBS

  Wee Mad Arthur, who can live more luxuriously on a dollar a day than most humans can live on fifty dollars, is also a very obvious example of LAW OF UNEQUAL RETURNS. It is also clear from events in Carpe Jugulum that, despite being referred to as a gnome by the careless citizens of Ankh-Morpork, he is an urbanised and solitary member of the NAC MAC FEEGLE.

  Artorollo. Past King of Ankh-Morpork. Little fat man, squeaky voice. This seems to be all that anyone can remember about him. [M]

  Ashal, General. Chief Adviser to Prince CADRAM and Leader of his army. [J]

  AshkEnte, Rite of. Spell performed to summon and bind DEATH. It is generally done with reluctance, because senior wizards are usually very old and would prefer not to do anything to draw Death’s attention to themselves. On the other hand, it is also very effective, since Death knows almost everything that is going on because he is usually closely involved.

  The Rite has evolved over the years. It used to be thought that eight wizards were required, each at his station on the point of a great ceremonial octogram, swaying and chanting, arms held out sideways so their fingertips just touched; there was also a requirement for dribbly candles, thuribles, green smoke and all the other tedious paraphernalia of traditional High magic. In fact, it can be performed by a couple of people with three small bits of wood and 4cc of mouse blood; it can even be performed with two bits of wood and a fresh egg.

  There are in fact ten ways of performing the Rite; nine of them kill you instantly and the other one is very hard to remember.

  Asphalt. Very short, broad, troll with showbusiness experience, mostly to do with mucking out circus elephants and being repeatedly sat on by them. Employed as a roadie by the BAND WITH ROCKS IN. Although shorter than a dwarf, Asphalt makes up for it in breadth. [SM]

  Assassins’ Guild. Motto: NIL MORTIFII, SINE LVCRE. Coat of arms: a shield, bisected by a bend sinister, purpure. In the upper-right half a poignard d’or, draped with a masque en sable, lined gris on a field, gules. In the bottom-left half two croix d’or on a sable field.

  The light and airy Guild building, which looks more like the premises of a gentlemen’s club, is located in Filigree Street, Ankh-Morpork. The gates on the sole entrance to the Guild are said never to shut because DEATH is open for business all the time, but it is really because the hinges rusted centuries ago (although by the time of Men At Arms clearly someone had done something about this).

  The ASSASSINS’ GUILD offers the best all-round education in the world. A qualified assassin should be at home in any company, and be able to play at least one musical instrument. Anyone inhumed by a graduate of the Guild school can go to his rest satisfied that he has been annulled by someone of taste and discretion, and probably also a social equal. The entrance exam is not strenuous: the school is easy to get into and easy to get out of (the trick is to get out upright).

  A BRIEF STROLL AROUND THE MAIN QUAD

  Join us on a brief tour of the Guild, starting with the main gates in Filigree Street. Do not neglect the Porter’s Lodge, wherein may be found Stippler the porter. His father was porter here, as was his father. He has seen it all, and the few bits he hasn’t seen he can guess at.

  Your path will then lead out into the quadrangle, dominated by its statue of Ellis William Netley, the student who, when playing the Wall Game, first picked up the ball and hurled it with such force that he knocked an opposing player off a second-storey window ledge. He was beaten senseless for this, but his action changed the Game from the rather insipid ball game that it was to the thrilling and bloody spectacle it is today.

  To one side of the quad, you can still see the new masonry of the repair to the museum wall after the unfortunate events concerning the removal from office of the previous Master, Dr Cruces.

  Looking up, you can see the bell tower, topped by the Guild’s famous cloaked man weathervane (known as ‘Wiggy Charlie’), which has oft been decked with porcelain chamberpots and female undergarments by waggish students on Wag Days.

  Returning to the cloister, we turn and walk along, past the oil paintings and busts of famous inhumees. The first bust, of a former Crown Prince of Brindisi, is now almost unrecognisable as generations of student assassins have patted his regal nose for luck. His plaque records that he ‘Departed this vale of tears on Grune 3, Year of the Sideways Leech, with the assistance of the Hon. K W Dobson (Viper House)’.

  We now turn into the Combination Corridor, leading past the Museum. The Museum is very instructive; time spent in sober reflection th
ere is never wasted. One which usually exercises the minds of boys for many a long night is the one-armed teddy bear (Mr Wuggle) used by Croydon Minimus to inhume the Baron von Wendeltreppe-Steckenpferd in 1687. Since that fateful day, the Wendeltreppe-Steckenpferds have never allowed any soft toys within 20 miles of their castle in Überwald.

  Beyond the museum, we reach Big School, which used to be the Guild’s only classroom. It now serves principally as the Banqueting Hall and is also used for indoor sports, assemblies and examinations. Big School is the oldest unaltered room in College and its beams, despite their inaccessibility, have been carved with the names of most of the Guild’s most famous Old Boys.

  Just before the multi-denominational Chapel, there is a small door which leads up to the bell tower, which houses the Inhumation Bell. This tolls the hours but, as befits the City’s most elegant academy, it is always fashionably late.

  It also is tolled whenever news comes through of an Assassin successfully completing an assignment and also upon the death of an old pupil of the college. Of course, this may quite often be one and the same event.

  Proceeding further around we come to Liming Corridor which leads past Mr Wilkinson’s Study to the Library. This is believed to be the largest Ankh-Morpork library outside Unseen University and, in the areas of assassination and other life-threatening professions, we like to think that it exceeds even UU’s holdings of relevant tomes.

  The Guild extends to five floors, excluding basements, dormer levels and lofts. Much of the building is out of bounds to the Guild’s students but, as Lord Downey would say, ‘No one became a great Assassin by always obeying the rules. Of course, no one ever became a great Assassin by disobeying the rules and getting caught, either.’

  At some time in their career, every pupil will see the inside of the Master of Assassins’ study. Some will go for a cup of tea, a chat and the automatic avoidance of an almond slice, some will be going for a punishment, some will have been sent up for good, some will be going to receive bad news. The room is a classic example of a Guild study.

  It is an impressive, oak-panelled and well-carpeted room, since it also serves as the meeting room for the Guild Council. Indeed, you will see their long, mahogany table down one side of the room. The room also contains the Master’s own library and workbench – and who knows what mysterious substances may be stored in the dozens of intriguing drawers in his apothecary cabinet?

  The room is dominated by the four huge black granite pillars that support the ornate ceiling. Four-square between those pillars, carved as they are with the names of famous Assassins, is the Master’s desk, with its wrought-iron rack for birches and canes. These are a relic of the old days. In the modern college, we do not believe in anything so namby-pamby as corporal punishment.

  SCHOOL PRIZES AND AWARDS

  Sending up for Good

  Despite its name, this is a good thing: it means a student has produced a piece of schoolwork – practical or written – which is adjudged by their tutor to be so outstanding as to merit their being sent up to the Master of Assassins’ study for sherry and an almond slice. Their name is also then featured in the School Magazine.

  The Teatime Prize

  This will be given after the Hogswatch and de Murfoote Vacations for the two best Papers on the subject ’Who I Killed on My Holidays’. Pupils are not, of course, expected to actually inhume anybody, but a team of senior Assassins will assess the pupils’ maps, routes, amassed information, professed target and projected methods of ‘solution’ before awarding the prize for the best virtual inhumation. The prize is named after the late Noel Teatime, a young Assassin whose plans for the inhumation of Death, the Hogfather, the Soul Cake Duck, Old Man Trouble and several major gods were the talk of the Guild. His body has never been found.

  The Blankman Divinity Prize

  This is open to all Boys in the Second and Third Years for the most realistic representation of the God of their choice achieved using only stale bread and sesame seeds.

  Distinction in Trials

  Given to the top three Boys in every year at end of term Trials (exams).

  The Body Trophy

  Named after our popular old Under Master, Mr Wilberforce Body, this is awarded to the winning Team at the Wall Game.

  The Wilkinson Cup

  Awarded annually to the Boy who scores most consistently high marks at Fencing.

  The Pendu Illuminated Manuscript

  Awarded for the boy who wins the Climbing Competition at the Sports Day. The award is simply placed atop some high building in the city, and the pupil who returns to the Guild with it is adjudged the winner. The opportunities for waylaying, trapping, ambushing and cheating make this a remarkable exercise in Assassin skills.

  The Vemeficus Chalice

  Traditionally awarded at Gaudy Night to the Pupil adjudged by the Head of Necrotic Medicine and Applied Pathology to have shown most promise in practical exercises in that specialism.

  The Insidiae Plate

  Presented on Founder’s day by the Provost of Assassins. The winner is the constructor of the most elaborate trap mechanism in the Show and Tell section at Open Day, although actual killing will result in disqualification.

  The Ars Plumaria Cup

  This is won by the pupil scoring highest marks for Personal Grooming. A much-contested award.

  SCHOOL HOUSES (and their House Tutors)

  Viper House (Mr Nivor)

  Scorpion House (Lady T’malia)

  Tump House (Miss Band)

  Broken Moons House (Mr Moody)

  Raguineau’s (Baron Strifenkanen)

  Pernypopax Dampier (Prof. Stone)

  Cobra House (Mr Mericet)

  Wigblock Prior (Kompt de Yoyo)

  B2 House [day pupils] (Dr von Ubersetzer)

  C1 House [day pupils] (Dr Perdore)

  Mykkim House (Mr Linbury-Court)

  Mrs Beddowe’s House (M le Balourd)

  Tree Frog House [day pupils] (Mr Bradlofrudd)

  BlackWidow House [girls] (Mme les Deux-Epees)

  Welcome Soap House (Mr Greyfriars)

  Raven House (Miss Smith-Rhodes)

  A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE GUILD

  Classically, assassination as a profession began in the more mountainous regions of Klatch, where aspirants would partake of a drug known as hasheesh which, in sufficient quantities, would cause them to wear flared trousers and listen to really monotonous music with every sign of enjoyment.

  Those early ‘assassins’ then disappeared into history and emerged somewhat later in the form we now recognise them. Possibly their source of supply dried up.

  The Guild as it exists today owes a great debt to its founders, Sir Gyles and Lady de Murforte. Sir Gyles was a warrior knight in the days of King Cirone I (Cirone the Unsteady). He quested extensively in Klatch for the greater glory of gold and, during one of his longer crusades against any Klatchians who had money, he learned of the brotherhood of assassins. At this time they were practising their craft for general hire and were already playing an important role in the internal politics of the Komplezianne Empire, rulers of Klatch at that time11. He was so impressed by the skill, poise, intelligence and wit of those Klatchian assassins whom he met (socially) that, far-sighted man that he was, he vowed to form a school for assassins in his native Ankh-Morpork. It was recorded by his clerk that his actual words were ‘Onne daye we will neede to beat thys barstads atte theyre owne game.’

  On his return to the city, he talked of his plans with his sister Lady de Murforte. She wholeheartedly supported him and her husband altered his will to leave most of his lands on the Sto Plains and many valuable sites in Ankh-Morpork for its construction.

  Work on the new school began in 1511. Tutors were brought in from Klatch to train the city’s brighter academics and psychopaths in the various skills needed to be a great assassin, so that the faculty should be ready when the building works had been completed. The old building on the site of the current Guild building had be
en a warehouse for scrolls and books and it was demolished so that a new, light, airy edifice could be erected to reflect the glory of the new school.

  The new school, known then as the de Murfoote School for Gentlemen Assassins, was officially opened by King Cirone II on 27 August 1512. Its first Head Master was Doctor Guillaume de Chacal. Dr de Chacal was not himself known to be an assassin, but had been recruited direct from the prestigious Academie Quirmienne, where his reputation as a strict disciplinarian and moral leader was second to none, if one ignores a few wild accusations by people who were never able to produce any hard evidence.

  The school then had eight tutors and seventy-two students, known as King’s Scholars. (The King had bestowed the Royal Charter on the school, together with a modest sum to fund the purchase of text books, weaponry and anatomical charts. The first influx of students also, as it happened, included Cirone, Prince of Llamedos, his eldest son.) All the students were then housed within the Guild building, in dormitories, or houses in the area which were then named simply after their key code on the architect’s plans for the school.

  Within a few years, the combination of the royal patronage and the excellent standard of exam results being achieved by the now Royal de Murfoote School for Gentlemen Assassins, had led to pressure from the city’s wealthier inhabitants for its doors to be opened to students who, whilst they would benefit from the high standard of education available at the School, might not actually intend to kill people for a living. The King agreed to this extension to the School’s charter and places were allocated to twenty-four children of citizens. These students were known as ‘Oppidans’, from the Latatian for ‘town’.

  The School went from strength to strength. Over the years, its numbers of students and staff rose, and boys were boarded in houses off-site, run by a number of women known as ‘dames’ because of a then-current tradition of wearing huge white drawers with red spots on and owning a dancing cow.